Bottomless Pit Day

I’ve always been oddly creative and another one of my useless talents is coining peculiar terms.  Alongside crunchies, pizza bone, the box, the stump, statchie and many, many others that were invented interfamily, is bottomless pit days.  Basically, when I was thirteen years old I had this odd day.  From morning to noon to late in the night, I ate.  I remember sandwiches, bagels, hot pockets, a steady stream of soda and it was when I hit the 3:00pm Doritos I realized I was experiencing a miracle.  It was a 24 hour gift where I could wake and eat whatever I wanted and it digested quick, never filled me up and didn’t slow me down. 

Now, as an adult, I realize it is a curse.  I experience bottomless pit days about every other month for a three to five day stretch.  I don’t know if it’s a sudden metabolism burst, my body’s reaction to losing a quick pound and trying to put it back on, boredom, a stress reaction or something I haven’t even thought of yet.  I haven’t gained any weight and I promise I’m not pregnant again, but this is a rundown of the crazy things I’ve been munching on just this past week.

Chocolate chip cookies: I used to eat these suckers at least once a month since I was a child.  I actually remember eating so much raw cookie dough I would pray for relief when I was sick all night.  I also have the sick habit of eating a few raw and only cooking my ‘cooked’ cookies medium to medium rare.  It is a proven fact that the heat continues to bake the cookies for a certain amount of time when they are pulled out of the oven, so cooking them about 85% will give you a perfect bake.  Well, the other night I pulled them out at about 40%, ate half a dozen and was ill the entire next day.  My husband is a total cookie monster and after trying to eat the first one that was falling apart in his hands, he told me they stunk.

Oven roasted toast: This is something I invented after eating at a restaurant in Yorktown that is now condemned and probably because of foods like this.  It’s basically like a hard oven re-baked toast with a pound of butter.  I have always liked crusty breads with fresh butter and over the past two decades, have experimented with flattened microwaved crisp ‘crackers’ and then finally nailed it with oven roasting.  Sometimes some super crunchy toast and butter just hits that spot. 

The most surprising binge of the week, Dulce De Leche.  I had my first taste about five years ago when my husband’s grandmother brought some up from Florida.  It was sugary in a bad granular sort of way.  It reminded me of the sweetened condensed milk my mom used to eat out of the can that made my face crinkle, but in an even worse rectangular version.  Yeah, I ate some.  I was dying of starvation and found it hiding behind the peanut butter; it must have heard me coming.  If you are literally starving like I was, it’s not so bad.

That’s the basic rundown of what I’ll admit to having eaten the past week.  I’m thinking some sort of cleanse or fast might be happening in the near future.