Guest Writer Series - Part 1: Prison Rant

I’m going to prison for a few years. I turn myself in super soon, like, in just a couple days. I’ll use correct vernacular, I ‘self-surrender.’ I’ve learned a lot during this process, that’s for sure. Before all of this started, I didn’t even know about the legal system; I especially didn’t know about the different levels of courts. None of that stuff. I literally thought the FBI was a drug unit with the regular police, most likely because I didn’t have to give it much thought. That random assumption popped in mind in my early 20’s when I would see drug raids in the city on my way to work. Turns out, FBI are regular old po-po. They just deal with things that go across state lines. All the same rules apply when talking to them. You don’t have to answer or say anything – just a side note for anyone going through some shit. You have the right to remain silent and contact a lawyer. Don’t let them scare you because you are ignorant of who they are like I was.

Before I check out and get on the ridiculous mass incarceration train (because that’s proved to be so damn helpful the last 3,800 years), I wanted to share some insight in the hopes that it may help someone out there trying to figure this crap out alone like I had been doing the past couple years.

First and foremost, talk to a lawyer asap. Private lawyers give free consultations. If you have to wait to be appointed a public defender, go see as many highly rated lawyers as possible to collect advice for later. Just like if you found out you have cancer, don’t rest on any one person’s advice, insight, or pitched angle for a cure. Keep it all for later. Private lawyers are salespeople. The really good ones are REALLY good salespeople. Don’t fall for any shit. Get what you need from MULTIPLE sources, then if looking back, a particular private lawyer seems worth the hassle to raise the funds, get them. You do you. Most of my lookbacks were comical in hindsight, so even though my representation made me feel like I was wearing a beehive as a hat, at least I didn’t drop $50k on bullshit. For a non-violent, white-collar crime, that you are choosing to not go to trial for, but rather plead guilty… I’ve heard it all price wise. The first price dropped was $25k in installments as the plea deal progressed. $10k up front. The most hilarious quote price wise, was towards the end  - after all the work was done mostly by myself, and I was considering alternate help because my appointed lawyer was failing in about a thousand areas. They wanted $50k, $25k up front to literally do nothing but ‘drag everything out as long as I’d like.’

If you are in the middle of the legal process and you don’t feel comfortable with something, you don’t agree with your lawyer, etc… don’t be polite and sit on that shit. Tell them!!! Yell it if you have to. This is your life! It’s always going to be more important to you than to anyone else. If you are polite and quiet, your case will get pushed to the side and you’ll find yourself doing a lot of the legwork for your own case, which is hell. People take advantage where they can and the last place you need to be screwed right now, is in the fight for your life. If you suspect things aren’t being done, ask for the proof. If your lawyer team was supposed to get medical records or get outside advice from a psychiatrist and you feel like something is off, request copies of documented interviews and your records. This is your stuff; you have every right to have copies of everything. If someone skirts the issue, something is seriously wrong. Don’t be afraid to demand new representation.

Court dates can be pushed out; it happens all the time. Federal crap is a long process. The courts are dealing with butt tons of other cases. You might feel like the spotlight is on you, but I can pretty much guarantee even if you have a judge appointed to your case, they aren’t looking at your stuff or giving a flying fuck until maybe the week before your sentencing. I highly suspect with the lack of preparedness I’ve witnessed, they made plans to finally push themselves to glance at your case the night before sentencing, but after a bottle of chardonnay and the clock hitting midnight, decided they could wing it live like some dipshit in there freshmen year of college. If your lawyer is claiming anyone is bearing down on you and that without sufficient documentation as to the reason, you have to follow through with next court steps, they are full of shit. They are trying to get your case over with so they can focus on other stuff. Don’t let them get away with that lazy shit… file as many extensions as you need until you are completely and utterly happy with how your case is being handled moving forward.

Always save everything. Do this in life starting right now if you don’t already! Blind copy yourself on every single email you ever send, whether you are in a legal situation or not. Scan everything you ever get in life and save it in folders. I don’t care how unimportant it may seem. Even if it’s a receipt from the gas station… save all your stuff!! You’ll be shocked throughout your life, how many times you’ll kick yourself for not saving something completely and utterly stupid that blows back and bites you in the ass when you least expect it.

So… This is part 1 of what I’m sure will be a shit ton of rants over the next 2 days. There will definitely be a lot of helpful information for anyone going through legal proceedings. I’m tired as hell, so I’m going to wrap this post up and get some sleep. Tune in for upcoming posts about perjury from the prosecution side, slander, libel, stupidity and massive laziness with people involved in the court system, your rights, the BS that this process will clear out of your life, preparing for prison, and more.